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dear you,

i have this theory.

it goes like this:

i don’t know why were here. when i was a kid, i used to panic about not knowing. i thought it was my job to find out all the ‘whys’ of the world.

when i got older, and after a lot of heartache, i realized there are questions that you don’t always get answers to. and why human beings were put on this earth is one of those questions. i’ve made peace with knowing i’ll never know. but i cant help myself; i still try to come up with a working theory… a raison d’etre.

i think we all need a raison d’etre. otherwise… we’d all be suicidal nihilists and the world would turn to chaos. or maybe not, i don’t know. but deep down i think we all have some theory for being here, for being, for continuing to live. and if you say you don’t… well, i kind of think you’re a liar.

and yeah, maybe there is no “why”, as to why we’re here. maybe there is absolutely no reason. and we are a complete universal accident, a loping sequence of DNA crashing into an improbable combination of elements gone awry and then ‘bam’ — life.

but then, i guess, i’m almost more impressed. somehow a complete universal accident created life. that’s insane. the probability of that ever occuring… is as close to impossible as you can get without going over the line. against all odds, we somehow exist.

so i don’t know what it all means, if it all means anything at all. but i know that by some insane chance we’re here. and what a waste if we don’t make the most of this one shot. what a waste if we don’t create something out of this random accident. so you better make it worth it. if this is all we’ve got, you better create some meaning for your life.

if you had one hour left to live — what would you do? whatever just popped into your head, thats your reason for existing, for that one hour left of your life. that’s what would give that last hour some meaning. that’s what you’d need to do to feel as if you had truly lived before you died.

now pretend you had 20 years. …what would you do now? whatever that is… thats what gives your life meaning. defines the egdes of your days and your years. puts color into your existence.

i’m so passionately driven to explain this, to write it all out, not because i think i have the answers. i don’t feel like i know very much at all. and im not so egotistical to think i know that much about the way the world works. or that i have the universe all figured out. believe me, i’m still surprised and shocked, every day. human beings still surprise me, life still shocks me. i’m still blinded by it. and i’m young.

the only reason i feel so strongly about it is because i think that when you’ve brushed up so close to death, you see what the end really looks like.

let me rephrase that and be a little braver:

i’ve brushed up close to death. often. one moment, from something i have never talked about: in brazil there was this little girl that came down with tuberculosis. she couldn’t speak anymore and she had a really high fever and couldn’t eat either. i just sat there and held her hand. while she lay there and shook. i held her hand and i looked in her eyes, and she knew. she was terrified, but she knew. i was terrified… i was selfish too. before brazil i was selfish with myself and how much i gave. i gave selectively, i guess. and i gave only what i thought would make a big impact.

i can’t really write down what it was like, sitting there. it wasn’t going to make any difference, me sitting there or not. holding her hand. but i watched her, terrified, and i just wanted her to be a little less terrified. writing this down is harder than i thought and i don’t think i can say anything more about it. other than i sat there. and it changed me.

unfortunately, that is only one of those moments. most people never get very close to the rawness of it. never get to see what the end really looks like. but i did. and every near-brush, ever time death gets close i can feel it rush by me, and its a slap-in-the-face reminder that even though the end may not be tomorrow, itll be tomorrow soon enough. and it reminds me how lucky i am. lucky, lucky, lucky.

i met this guy in lisbon, and over drinks he was telling me about all the countries he had been to, teaching english. i asked him why he didn’t want to pick one place and stay. he said: “i just want to experience everything. i want to wring every last drop out of life while i still can.” that’s what he wanted, that’s what it all meant to him. that’s what he thought he was here to do. i think i know when i’m breathing that last one, what i’ll be able to live with and what i won’t. i think i know what i feel like i’m here to do, and i know what i need, and i’m also painfully aware i might not ever have it or get it. but i’ll try.

so the past few months have really cleared that up for me. and after it all, i have some … non-negotiables. some things i need, some things i want, and i’m not willing to compromise on them. stronger than values. i’m not willing to live without them. and knowing what those are… i know what i can’t do anymore. and i know what i need to go and get.

i’m not sure who i write these letters to… ambiguous someone out there. maybe myself. or maybe i’m kidding myself.

writing a list, love,

-b

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